Very few people want to be documented, especially when it comes to the larger social traumas of the separation of Ukrainian soldiers from their loved ones. It is not an anti-war film, – Ukraine has no choice but to resist – but it refuses to turn away from the effects of war on families at home.
Graham Douglas*
Wilfred Owen’s poetry about the experience of total war in the trenches during World War 1 was a rejection of the heroic view of war and self-sacrifice for glory. After World War 2, it seemed that democratic socialism had no competitors, and the idea of the “end of history” in 1992 after the fall of the Soviet Union, had the same belief that liberal democracy had triumphed. Since then, religion, nationalism and territorial ambitions have returned and once again the tectonic plates of empires are shifting. At the same time the consumer has replaced the citizen as the basic component of society, and ironic reflection not emotional depth is the preferred mode of the liberal intelligentsia.
The wars in Ukraine and Palestine are disrupting that.
Lesia Diak received a special mention as a new director for her first full-length documentary at the DocLisboa festival last month. Her film “Dad’s Lullaby”, about the traumatic effects of the war in Ukraine on Serhiy, a returning soldier and his wife Nadiia, debuted at the Sarajevo Film Festival in August. It took three years to make and another four including raising funds. It maintains her interest in documenting issues involving personal trauma and healing, and the making of the film was a journey of reflection and to some extent of healing for both Lesia and Serhiy and Nadiia. Lesia hopes that her film may have some impact in helping communities and individuals to deal with the traumas of war and support each other.
How did you meet Serhiy?
I was in a relationship with a war veteran and his stories impacted me so much and my parents didn’t know what to say and I lost a lot of friends because they didn’t know how to support me. So I started a blog for partners of men who came back from the war, and then I decided to make a documentary and put out a request for a family that is waiting for the return of their loved one from the war, and I contacted the Free People Employment Center, an NGO in Kiev who put out my request. I also worked in the creative agency One Health to be able to film, because I didn’t have a production company or anyone helping me financially. And when Serhiy replied I explained that I was going through a break-up of a traumatic relationship with a war veteran, and I wanted to tell the story of people like me. He is not a simple person, and he has some understanding of art which is why he agreed because there are very few people who want to be documented, especially in such an intimate way.
Were you specifically looking for a veteran or the partner of one?
I was planning to tell the story from the point of view of a woman, and I had been introduced to his wife Nadiia while he was still in the war, but when Serhiy returned in 2017 I realised that I needed to put him in the centre of the film as the protagonist, and it was also connected with my own process of forgiving my ex-partner. I loved my ex-partner very much, but our goodbye was difficult – he told me he loved me, but he could not be with me.
We stayed in contact for a year, but then he said he didn’t love me anymore and I realised, talking to my therapist, it was time to cut the connection, but I hear about him through friends in common that are involved with veterans.
Did making the film also make you see your ex-partner in a different way?
Yes, I was very angry and bitter, but once I started interacting with Serhiy and his children, I realised that the situation of a couple is much more complex. When they return, they just cannot give themselves to people even if they want to, the burden they carry is so heavy, to not love someone is a kind of sacrifice. I understood that my ex was so involved with the people he had worked with as a paramedic in eastern Ukraine that he could not cut it, he just wanted to go and help them and to save lives. It didn’t matter that he came back depressed and with no work; helping them defend Ukraine was all that mattered.
The mindset is so complex – they are fighting for a higher cause, but I don’t know if they can be happy personally – it’s very different from a person who doesn’t have such an experience.
Men coming home may also know they will have to return, does that also make it difficult to disengage from their experiences?
Yes, they may be asked to return. There are those whose injuries don’t allow them to serve again, and there are those who don’t come back because they are dead. Serhiy is the father of a large family so his military service has finished, but he can’t be 100% sure of that.
When you became involved with the family how did you get on with Serhiy’s wife, was there any tension because you were another woman?
I think Nadiia felt extremely lonely, with few friends, so I was also a relief for her to have someone to talk to. Of course, the camera was a presence, so I asked her to tell me if she felt it was intruding. And I never stayed the night there. There were moments when my personal involvement as a friend that was so valuable to me made it difficult to film, especially for the editing. I looked at the material and I thought: “but they are my friends, am I supposed to turn them into Greek theatre characters to make a beautiful film?”. I struggled with showing more problematic aspects of them and their relationship. They were clear about it, Serhiy knew his family wanted more from him, but being rationally aware and implementing this awareness in your life are completely different things and sometimes it just isn’t possible. They were trying to save the relationship, but it was difficult even though Serhiy and Nadiia had just had a baby.
And they were my friends, but I wanted to make an honest film.
There was a scene where the men were talking very frankly about how afraid they were during fighting – did you worry that this might be used in Russian propaganda to say: “We are winning, the Ukrainians are afraid of us”?
The Russians can use anything for their propaganda, to portray us as losing, it’s something I cannot control, and even on our side there are people who will not like the way Serhiy is portrayed.
There is a Ukranian NGO whose title I don’t want to mention, who I hoped would be able to offer advice and arrange screenings of the film as a part of an impact campaign around the movie, but once they read the treatment and saw that Serhiy was separating from his family they said “no”, he’s not a “good” protagonist. There will always be people who don’t like your work, but I believe that documentary film is a space for non-judgemental perception and discussion. Even if the viewers see this, they will see that it isn’t easy, there is a lot of guilt, and there are so many families in similar situations, even if they don’t have children.
I was blown away by Serhiy, because he seemed so emotionally intelligent, and at one point he takes a role that would traditionally be that of a woman explaining something to a man, where he says to a woman that she needs to understand how a veteran has stuff he needs to process alone, he is not rejecting your affection he just can’t handle it. He is exceptional maybe?
Yes, he is very special. In making a documentary we were taught that we have to arrive somewhere, but we can’t know where in advance, we need to grow and explore. I think he probably learned some things about himself during the film-making, to look into his heart. To make things less unequal I also gave him the camera to film my comments. On one hand veterans are better alone. A friend of mine also separated from his wife. He has 2 dogs – they are his family now – it is easier to be with animals, but of course he doesn’t want to be like this all his life.
(Next week: Dad’s Lullaby: community and consumerism)
(Photos provided by interviewee Lesia Diak, copyright holder of Dad’s Lullaby stills, and authorised for publication.)
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